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    Survivor recap: Cagayan' recap: Numbers Don't Lie, But People Do

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    15 minutes, 42 seconds



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    Beauty without brains

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    Not anymore

    Topics of your individual article:    

    Survivor ✓ Morgan ✓ Trish ✓ Massachusettsian ✓ Contestants


    • Now that Brains, Beauty, and Brawn are no senior with the current people reshuffling, we have to happen a walk of disgrace and come crawling back to conventional tribe names like a cheating spouse who got caught up in the glitz and glamour of a naughty night in Vegas or something?
    • However, the path the numbers work, at slightest she has to conceivable to be a valuable swing vote… as long as the magnificence tribe folks don’t all crumble and spin on each other the poor they hit the beach.
    • Wait, saying of screwed — Morgan is in the procedure of getting outed by Sarah, who explains to everyone that the choice the three people sent to camps early got was a bag of rice or a clue to the hidden immunity idol.

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    Survivor S twenty-eight E four type TV reveal network CBS genre Reality Where to watch narrow Streaming Options Hold on a second. Just assume me a point to make certain I am absolutely clear on something: You mean I actually have to go and learn the real tribe names now ? ! ? We can’t just move to completely ignore them and pretend they don’t exist (much in the equal step Jeff Probst has been completely ignoring them all season)? Now that Brains, Beauty, and Brawn are no senior with the current people reshuffling, we have to happen a walk of disgrace and come crawling back to conventional tribe names like a cheating spouse who got caught up in the glitz and glamour of a naughty night in Vegas or something? Honestly, I don’t even perceive what the tangible clan names are! Atari and Salami, I think? Or A company and Zoe Saldana perhaps? Rastafari and Obama? I don’t perceive — something like that. In ancient age I would make lame, fearful attempts to occasionally refer to tribes like the Fans, Favorites, Returning Players, Loved Ones, Young Men, Older Women (which has to be the most degrading tribe moniker off all time, especially considering half of those “Older Women ” From Survivor: Panama were in their 30s) by their exact names, but this season, I didn’t even bother. After all, if Probst isn’t leaving to, I’m not. They were Brains. They were Brawn. And they were Beauty. That’s what he called them, so that’s what we called them. But plenty like Admiral Ackbar once informed us — feel A TRAP! ” And now I am gone having no hint what the hell the exact two remaining tribe names are. So bear with me as I bid to reason that out while we recap another intense, topsy-turvy episode of Survivor. (And wait tuned all the practice to the end for some thoughts on the season as a full and the never-ending newbies vs. returning players debate.) We break on midnight eleven after the Brains tribe — see! I have no belief what they are actually appoint ! — has just enacted out what has to be considered one of the all-around worst bookmaker in the history of the game, J’Tia. Their overall awfulness has truly been a marvel to behold, a statement which the tribe members themselves do not refute. “ We’re not the mind tribe,” opines Kass. “ We’re the Crap for Brains tribe. I mean, just a compiling logjam mess with a couple of nerds on top. ” Okay, first off, we totally want a Crap for Brains tribe next season, just to look the presence of the players who are designated to be on that certain team. (Apparently, the essay to get into the Crap for Brains tribe urge be administered by Alexis and involves ascertaining what role a rooster plays in the laying of eggs.) But hey , anything keep shift in a particular day in this game, and as evidence of that, just look at the set-up for the next reward challenge: only two poles! You perceive what that means — clan shake-up time. This is astounding news for the sense tribe, and even better news for me remembering as how my pick to win it all (Spencer) now actually has a chance in hell of taking home the loot. Probst decree everyone to drop their buffs and carry a latest covered buff, which they all then reveal at the same time to make up two new teams. And here’s how the new teams shake out. Atari two thousand, six hundred nation Sarah Spencer Morgan Kass Tasha Jeremiah Alexis Well, this seems like ugly news for Sarah, as she was separated from her comprehensive Brawn tribe. However, the path the numbers work, at slightest she has to conceivable to be a valuable swing vote… as long as the magnificence tribe folks don’t all crumble and spin on each other the poor they hit the beach. (Insert strain of laughter here.) Salami people Woo Cliff Trish Jefra LJ Lindsay Tony Wow, the Brawn clan has entire numbers over the Beauty tribe. They fing surely pick them off easy… so long as they all stab together and use their numbers advantage. (Insert strain of laughter here.) NEXT: Wrestlemania: Survivor Edition Let’s fix these recent tribes to the test in their first reward challenge. The ban are simple: One count for each team retains onto a pole for as long as probable while two people from the opposing tribe attempt to remove them and drag them across a finish line. First team to three points wins. In stout 1, Morgan and Sarah raid Lindsey while Trish and Jefra go for Tasha in what was probably brainstormed in a Survivor producer tent somewhere as “ Heterosexual gentleman Fantasy # 1.” Indeed, the girl-on-girl battle assists us with the most improper Boobs McGee shot in the history of Boobs McGee, as the camera zooms in and peers straight down Morgan’s cleavage. I swear I could hear a Survivor cameraman high-fiving himself in his head as he captured this shot. As psyched as the maker no doubt were, Survivor folks are still amateurs when it comes to this kind of stuff. See, as the recalled silver standard of reality TV, the Survivor producers have to attempt to maintain at slightest a modicum of class and decency. full Brother, on the other hand? On that reveal this girl-on-girl bikini battle would have taken place in a gigantic bowl of Jell-O or self-tanning liquid. hefty person has no problem fixing a little shame in their game. Anyway, I have just been explained by my editor that they are called the Aparri tribe, and that they win the first stout to go up 1-0. For the next round, LJ and Trish have to eject Alexis while Spencer and Jeremiah have to… . Wait, it’s already over? Alexis was yanked across the shine line? Damn, that was fast. Okay, we’re all knotted up 1-1. Now, who’s usable for a tiny cop-on-cop violence? No senior blueblood merger as Tony pulls Sarah across the line to give Solana the victory and all the sweets and breakfast delights that come with it. And we urge get right to that payoff feast after a momentary word from our sponsors… bewildered about the last music craze that’s spreading across the nation like a particularly persistent STD? holding the unexpected urge to rub foam #1 grip back and forth across your genitalia? imagine it would be cold to back that ass up onto a player wearing a black and white striped Beetlejuice costume? Then you call the humid recent how-to dance instructional video on the market today: “Trish Twerks!” “Trish Twerks” display that the dance sensation of two thousand and thirteen is not just for strippers and previous Disney Channel stars anymore. Under the management of 48-year-old Trish Hegarty, you too include work it ’til you twerk it! Trish fing demonstrate such patented movement as “The Drop & Shake,” “ The Booty Spasm,” and — for experts only — “The crying Kegel. ” And just listen to these celebrity testimonials! “ I’d like to imagine Trish twerk. ” — gratified buyer LJ “ DON’ T allow THAT moron YOU !” — accredited twerkaholic Gervase Peterson “ Please stay twerking at matrilineal Council. ” —noted anti-twerking lobbyist and able Fuddy-Duddy Jeff Probst Order “Trish Twerks” now! Just ask one -800-TWERK-IT. In fact, if you law “Trish Twerks” in the next fifteen minutes, we yeing also throw in a favorable copy of Trish’s book “ Why I condemn Lindsey” at no extra charge. authorization NOW! We now reversal you to your regularly scheduled recap… So as I was saying, the Salami people (or whatever they’re called) admits back to camp and enjoys their rewards. But the previous Brawn body are not reveling Trish. Cliff shows he wishes she had gone to the other tribe, while Lindsey can’t even stand looking at her flirt and cackle with adolescent Massachusettsian (is that even a word? ) LJ. But this pride they clearly appreciate and make small effort to disguise is what will ultimately doom them. The different most critical shift when you make an alliance is to make sure every single person in that alliance feels valued and secure. You keep never, ever let the count on the sole of your alliance know they are the one on the bottom. Because then why the hell would they stay there? I’m not saying Cliff, Woo, and Lindsey have to become BFFs with the woman, but you have to run Trish feel that she is a piece of the team and that you value her voice and her input. As far as we have looked this season, they have done nonentity of that. So what did they expect? NEXT: The loveliness rotate on each other Over on Aparri, Sarah is bumming, the only person from the Brawn tribe to now end up with this current group. She could be screwed or she could be the pivotal sweep vote against the three Brains and the three Beauties. Wait, saying of screwed — Morgan is in the procedure of getting outed by Sarah, who explains to everyone that the choice the three people sent to camps early got was a bag of rice or a clue to the hidden immunity idol. WHOOPS ! Morgan’s sly sleep that she took the equipment for her tribe at the start of the game has now been exposed… although when you get right down to it, I’m not accurate Morgan really has any qualms about exposing herself. (ZING!) But then something truly fantastic happens: All three of the magnificence try to flip over to the Brains side. ALL OF THEM ! Morgan, I check understand. She was on the outs anyway. But Alexis and Jeremiah both fing to bump ship as well! Remarkable. Spencer is stunned by their paucity of social skills, and he may as well throw strategic skills into the mix as well. And suddenly one of the worst clan in the history of Survivor has all the power in the world. God, I lover this game. Oh, and so much for Sarah being the swing vote. treaty challenge time! After filling a purposeful attention to not look down at the ground for a few weeks while commanding the players to “ arrive on in, guys! ” Probst is back to reversing out his footwear while he welcomes the contestants. Now that we are down to two tribes, we only want one idol, so Probst announces that, “ We’ll get rid of the little small brother. And pursue mama. Or daddy. I’m not really sure. ” Okay, I am not completely scoured up on Filipino customs, but if one is the “ small brother,” then how did the hefty person just become the daddy? Or the mama? Because there is something seriously wacky going on if he can be both the big brother and the daddy or mama, and it’s probably best if we don’t discuss any of the ways that would be possible. The contest has each tribe employing a huge penis-shaped log as a battering ram to smash through two walls, and I think they may be the most inadvertently sexual thing I have ever written in a Survivor recap. So after the penis-shaped battering ram hurl its way through the defenses — again, NOT MY FAULT! — the log must maneuver through a maze until it bangs a gigantic gong. Oh, for screaming out loud, now it’s getting ridiculous! Seriously, it’s as if challenge producer John Kirhoffer came up with these instructions just to f— with me. But, wait, here’s something exciting : The competition only calls for six members to emulate on each tribe, even though each team currently has seven. I’m not going to say this has never happened before where the count of contestants on each tribe is adequate yet does not match the number of contestants needed to partake in a challenge, because it probably has and I lost those memory brain cells around my approximately 8,327th check of Milwaukee’s Best, but it certainly is an anomaly. It head me to suppose that there was some sort of challenge reshuffling going on. Maybe the people switcheroo was originally assumed to happen later (after one senior Tribal Council) but they hastened the calendar once they saw the Brains tribe having their collective ass kicked. Or maybe the battle they originally had moved here wasn’t working out for some reason so they had to sub this in latest minute. In any event, the whole thing is a bit fishy because they always have these competitions lined up perfectly so that the exact amount of people needed to do it corresponds with the number of people still in the game. NEXT: Trish runs her move Unfortunately for Trish and Morgan, that means they have to sit out and do not get to participate in the most phallic competitor in Survivor history. I seriously don’t even guess I should provide any play-by-play for this one because it would be just one creepy cunning entendre after another. That’s the thing, though — with a battle like this I’m not even certain if they count as equivalent entendres. They’re merely particular entendres. After all, they’re repeatedly ramming — or is it thrusting? — a gigantic penis-shaped log into base as hard as they can, for crissakes! !! (And before you say, “Oh, c’mon, Dalton, it is clearly a huge pencil,” my rebuttal to that is… EXCATLY !) Which runs it all the senior shameful that the tribe with only two men defeats the tribe with four men. (Or maybe that’s not shameful at all.) But Aparri finds out as winners, leaving Tony to sit and whimper “ How did that happen? ” to himself. But Tony is certainly not muttering when he gets back to the loser tribe’s beach. He is explaining sound and clear: “LJ is a threat, so he’s going room first. ” Cliff, Woo, and Lindsey all agree, so I think we can gorgeous plenty pack this up right now and get to our “Next time on… Survivor! ” preview clip. But raise the coconut phone for a minute! Trish has other ideas, advising LJ she wants to make a recent fearsome foursome of them and the Bland noblewoman (again, that’s her name) and Tony. But what fing Tony say about that? Here’s what Tony says about that: “ I don’t understand if she’s bipolar or schizo! ” That’s because they have a 5-2 figure advantage right now. Why willingly believe that up? Here’s why : Because Trish and Tony appreciate they are on the sole of that five. If they wish to move up, they have to move out. Again, had Cliff, Woo, and Lindsey not made the pecking order so blatantly obvious, this might not be happening. This is not to involve that this was a slam dunk move for Tony and Trish, especially Tony. While they both lose up in the pecking order with such a move, it also place them at large risk should they run into senior Beauties at the merge. What if Alexis or Jeremiah are still there and the seductress examine to regroup? Then Tony and Trish are on the outs. Of course, that is not looking super likely the way things are shaping up over on the other beach, but Tony and Trish have no way of knowing that at this point. matrilineal board features another cruel rainstorm, messing up Jeff Probst’s perfectly coiffed hairdo. depression still rockin’ though!) Most of the discussion centers around the importance of numbers, although it would have been 1,000 times elder weird had most of the talk centered around the importance of Numb3rs, the long-forgotten CBS drama starring David Krumholtz and a backwards letter E. “ People have to know that this game is about numbers,” says Cliff. He’s right, you know. But then Trish jump him back with her personal truth bomb: “ count are important, but numbers are only critical if they work for you. If not, then maybe you have to run other scheme for yourself. ” BOOM ! She is so freakin ’ right. And what does it all mean? Well, Cliff, if an NBA playoff series doesn’t really move until you lose a game, then your Survivor playoff series just started. Only one problem: It also just ended, because you won voted out. No best of seven here, baby! NEXT: suggestion on the season so far Wow. Another shocker. Can I just say this: How freakin’ fantastic is this age so far? maker stole what in their minds was a enormous gamble — they went back to a cast of all newbies. Why did they contemplate this a gamble? Well, accept a look at the latest two day they tried that: Nicaragua and One World, both of which are generally considered two of the show’s weakest outings ever. However, the fans spoke up and said they wanted a break from the parade of returning players, the producers listened, and here we are with a so-far scintillating edition. It yeing be exciting to see how often the show decides to stab with this formula. In truth, I don’t suppose a happy flavor hinges on whether there are all newbies or feature some returnees. You could viewpoint out large and shameful seasons from both. As a fan, I’m always screaming about how plenty I want current players, but I’ ve also long spoken that the two best Survivor seasons (not counting the first one) are the basic aficionado vs. Favorites and Heroes vs. Villains, both are which were FILLED with former players. The standpoint is, it check work — or fall apart — either way. But this age is definitely working. Now let’s hope it cage working. And you have some senior Survivor work to do yourself. That’s because you still need to read my weekly Q&A with hostmaster general Jeff Probst. And don’t ignore about that sole deleted scenery from last night’s episode (in which Alexis toasts Morgan as “malicious” and a “mean girl”) in the video player below. We’ll be talking to the blindsided Cliff on Thursday on Entertainment Weekly Radio (SiriusXM, channel 105) as well as the InsideTV Podcast. And for more Survivor scoop, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. But now it’s your turn. Do you like remembering all newbies or returning players? Did Trish and Tony fill the right move? Did the loveliness smack it by all turning on one another? And would you like to see Trish twerk? sew the lesson boards to let us know and I’ll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
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